Pulp - Argosy.18.03.16.His Unluckiest Wife - Raymond S. Spears (pdf) Read online

  as she might imagine or suffer in the clearing Old Jeff cackled his delight. Arden

  where men had been slain. If she suspected to looked at Mrs. Tavell, and saw her turn away, whom she owed her deliverance, she did not with tears in her eyes.

  breathe a whisper to any one.

  “Oh, look ’t her, ef yo’ want to,” old Then Arden Trense rode up to the Jeff jeered. “A purty wife’s some good into a cabin one day when old Jeff was there.

  bargain, yassuh!”

  “I came about the partnership,” he said Thus shamelessly did the old man

  Argosy

  6

  skinflint jeer the young man, who sat with be’n down aroun’ tryin’ to find a buyer.”

  troubled countenance staring at the fire. He

  “He said yisterd’y he’d likely get you was troubled more than a little. It was not easy to develop the land with ’im,” the justice for him to do what now proved necessary to suggested.

  do.

  “He tried to,” old Jeff laughed, “but I Abruptly, he rose to go, turning to say: wanted this here forty thousan’. Look ’t! Hit’s

  “Then to-morrow I’ll bring you a a certified check by the bank.”

  check for the total amount. I’ll meet you down

  “He didn’t take it hard,” some one

  at the justice’s at 11 o’clock.”

  suggested.

  “That’s the way to do business.” old

  “He’s proud; them proud fellers

  Jeff grinned. “When yo’ git the wust of hit, wouldn’t admit they got hurt,” old Jeff yo’ come aroun’ an’ settle up, like a man.”

  grinned.

  “If you look at it that way,” Trense

  Arden Trense was not yet out of sight

  exclaimed scornfully.

  He turned back suddenly and rode up to old The following morning old Jeff was at

  Jeff and his cronies again.

  the justice’s early. He had the Noman’s

  “You’re satisfied?” he asked. “ You’ve cronies with him to see the business no kick coming of any kind?”

  completed. Old Jeff was merry, and he was

  “I sure am satisfied. Why?”

  laughing when he signed the final papers.

  “Nothing; but we forgot something.

  “Yassuh, I’m relievin’ yo’ of yo’ Your wife ought to sign these land papers too.

  partnership,” he cackled with glee. “Hit’ll be a A husband cannot sell land without his wife’s long time ’fore yo’ll be partners of ole Jeff consent.”

  agin, eh? Mos’ly, folks is satisfied to have ole Old Jeff’s face as bllank.

  Jeff partner wunst!”

  “She’ll sign! She’ll sign!” he cried.

  “Oh, I’m satisfied, if you are,” Trense

  “Come on up the run. I plumb forgot. Sho!

  smiled, as old Jeff made the twelve or thirteen Ain’ I the ole fool!”

  bystanders sign the papers as witnesses.

  So they rode up Tavell Run to his

  “Yo’ satisfied?” old Jeff asked, with

  cabin, and swarmed into it. Nothing would do sudden suspicion, but he burst into a laugh but Mrs. Tavell must sign forthwith, but she immediately. “Course, yo’d put on thataway!”

  shook her head.

  “Yes, I’d put on thataway,” Trense

  “No,” she said. “Hit ain’ a fair trade.

  admitted walking to his horse and leaping into Hit ain’ right.”

  “Yo’ sign them papers!” old

  the saddle, riding away.

  Jeff shouted. “Sign’”

  “The limber, blue-eyed, cat-hipped

  She shook her head. Old Jeff shivered

  son-of-a-gun,” old Jeff mused, looking after and turned yellow.

  the victim of his shrewdness. “What yo’

  “It would be friendly to me if you’d

  expect he’ll do with that ten thousand acres?”

  sign,” Arden Trense suggested.

  “Hunt butterflies onto hit likely,” some

  “Would hit?” she asked, looking at

  one suggested. “He’s be’n tromplin’ all up an’

  him wonderingly.

  down hit all summer. I seen him totin’ chunks

  “Yes,” he smiled; “I’m more than

  of rock aroun’ an’ burnin’ ’em with one of twenty-one years of age; I’ll be satisfied.”

  them brass fire-roarers they use to burn paint

  “Then I’ll sign,” she submitted, and

  with.”

  signed as she was told.

  “He went aroun’ tryin’ to git

  Old Jeff sucked in his breath with

  somebody to buy hit,” old Jeff declared. “He’s relief. Unexpectedly, he had found himself

  His Unluckiest Wife

  7

  confronted by a dilemma, and in that moment

  “Hello, Jeff!” Colonel Frunon

  he had seen forty thousand dollars slipping exclaimed. “How yo’ coming?”

  from his grasp, and now he seized the money

  “Sho! Comin’ like them houn’s oveh

  again; he did not notice what he was giving the mountang! Know that old Cool Spring for it.

  tract? Well, suh, I sold hit—sold it to my Arden folded his papers up again and

  partner!”

  old Jeff thumbed the certified check, a check Old Jeff poured the story out, telling that he did not notice then was worn and old about the tricky contract, the worthlessness of and had often been thumbed, having long been the land; and he waved the check for forty carried for this hour. He turned away, shuffled thousand dollars in the air.

  to his horse and galloped down the run road,

  “Look ’t!” old Jeff cried. “ Theh’s the to carry the check to his bank; to make certain certified check, suh!”

  that the money was transferred immediately to

  “So young Arden Trense took you in

  his account. The bank down to Newport did on that?” Colonel Frunon exclaimed. “I not close till 4 o’clock.

  wouldn’t have believed it of him.”

  When he was out of sight, she turned

  “Took me in?” old Jeff exclaimed.

  and demanded:

  “No, suh! Why, suh. I jes’ made that man live

  “Why did you do that?”

  up to the contract, suh! I made him do hit!

  “To please you,” Arden retorted.

  Why, I tricked ’im, an’ I wool-hauled him. He

  “But that land tract’s no good.”

  tried to extend hit, but when I git a man to

  “It has served me very well,” he rights, I hol’ ’im to hit, yas-suh!”

  declared.

  “Oh, I see,” Colonel Frunon smiled

  “So—how?”

  slightly. “When he wanted more time, you

  “It enabled me to do a favor for you

  refused it?”

  and then—then yo’ kindly did a favor for me.”

  “Yassuh, I shore did!”

  “Sho!” she exclaimed impatiently, and

  “You say you sold hit, all for forty

  then, puzzled, she asked: “ But what account?

  thousand?”

  What good’ll this all do yo’ Arden Trense?”

  “Yassuh; ten thousand acres of cow

  “It’ll help me laugh,” he chuckled, and pasture that ain’t no good: that a man ’d starve as she stared at him, he bowed courteously to death tryin’ to pay taxes on. Hue-e! Forty backed away and bowed again.

  thousand dollars!”

  “Yo’—yo’ got to hurry?” she parried.

  “Four dollars an acre?”

  “Eh—

  yo’—”

  “Yassuh, hit’d be squandary at a

  She bit her lip and then shook her head dollar!”

  decisively.
r />   “Arden went all over it before he

  “I plumb fo’got,” she exclaimed. “Yo’

  bought it—before he went in with you. And git!”

  then he went over it again.”

  “Suttinly,” he laughed, and went to his

  “Yassub; ’greed to find somebody to

  horse, mounted and cantered away; but he buy hit fo’ forty thousand dollars, an’ he was waved good-by to her from the clearing edge, blind; he ’greed to pay forty thousand dollars and she waved a reply.

  hisse’f if he didn’t find anybody.”

  Old Jeff rode down to the Newport

  “I was wondering about that,” Colonel

  bank, and as he climbed the stone steps he met Frunon shook his head. “I offered him a Colonel Frunon, an old Shenandoah Valley hundred thousand for it, but—”

  farmer.

  “What! yo’ did?” old Jeff shrieked.

  Argosy

  8

  “What fo? Why didn’t yo’ ast me? I’d ’a’—”

  good, nohow! Look ’t how she beat me out ’n

  “He wouldn’t do it,” Colonel Frunon

  her daddy’s farm; I los’ a hundred thousand shook his head, “and his contract was an theh, an’ now hyar’s anotheh hundred option the courts couldn’t break.”

  thousand. Lawse! Lawse! That woman’ll beat

  “What yo’ want that land fo’?” old Jeff me out of my home yet!”

  demanded with sudden suspicion.

  He had made so clear and plain a case

  “Why, that iron vein—”

  against his wife, by the time he had spent half

  “Iron! Iron vein!” old Jeff blinked.

  the night in Noman’s cabin in the forks of the

  “You didn’t know Arden found fifty-

  river, where he had gone for consolation, that two per cent iron ore on that tract; one of the when he arrived home he threw his bridle at richest veins down thisaway?”

  the unfortunate1 woman when she unbarred

  “Why—why, the scoundrel! That ole

  and opened the door for him. Then he started scoundrel!” old Jeff grimaced. “What yo’ after her with his short, rawhide whip, and expect I kin do? He robbed me—”

  fairly whipped her out the doorway.

  “I thought you said you forced him to

  He shut the door and barred it,

  live by the contract?”

  determined that she should sleep with the

  “Yassuh! Yassuh!” whimpered old mule colts in the corn that night, to settle for Jeff. “I was rough, but—”

  her sins.

  “You’re always rough, when you think

  People had always said that Tessile

  you’ve the best of the bargain,” Colonel had no will of her own and that she could Frunon suggested, as he turned away. “That learn spunk from a rabbit. To the rabbits she land’s worth anywhere from a hundred went that night and learned what they taught.

  thousand up, ’cording as the drill core shows She sneaked her own saddle and bridle out of the size of the ore body!”

  the storehouse and saddled a big mule her Old Jeff hesitated about depositing the father had given her.

  check. He had a fleeting notion that he might, She bridled and saddled the mule and

  by destroying or hiding the check, claim that quietly drove him to the pasture-bars, led him he had not his “value received,” but he had the through and, mounting, walked him down the swarm of his own witnesses signed to the run road. When she struck the contract road at paper and attested.

  the ford, she started the big mule into a long, Old Jeff rode home, whimpering all

  swinging lope, which covered the miles, eight the way. He had so seldom been bested in a or nine to the hour, till after dawn.

  bargain that the sensation was practically new She rode up to her father’s house in

  to him. On a large scale, it was entirely new.

  time for breakfast, and Quinn Nurming, after Always the other fellow had needed one look at the welt of the rawhide whip condolences. He remembered that his wife had across her cheek, and after a glance at the blue signed the fatal deed; she had done it when lines over her shoulders said:

  Arden Trense said it would be frieindly to

  “Yo’ done yo’ duty, gal! When a man

  him!

  whips hisn’s wife, she don’ need to stay with Therefore, he thought, his wife was to him no mo’! Yo’s welcome home—an’ when blame. She had helped that scoundrel beat her he comes he gets what he give yo’!”

  own husband out of his rightful share in a Old Jeff was looking for his wife the

  hundred thousand, and maybe in a million!

  next day. He rode up and down, trying to find

  “She’s always be’n mean luck,” he her.

  thought to himself. “She never done me no

  “All I done was beat her up ’cause she

  His Unluckiest Wife

  9

  cost me that Cool Spring tract,” he told your income is about fifteen thousand dollars around. “She got me into hit—an’ hit cost me a year, at the least, you may pay her five my profits.”

  thousand dollars a year.”

  “Yo whupped that gal?” men asked

  Old Jeff blinked. Then he saw a

  him, scornfuly and angrily.

  shrewd bargain which he could make. It took a

  “But yo’ see what she done-the Cool

  first-class business man to get ten per cent on Spring tract!” he whimpered. He rode down to his money, and if he paid the woman fifty the Nurming place, and

  thousand dollars, he would be giving her, in Quinn Nurming drove him from the door.

  fact, only three thousand dollars a year instead

  “Yo’ whopped my gal! She’ll divorce

  of five thousand.

  you now,” Quinn declared.

  “I’ll be shut of her, all to wunst!” he When old Jeff grew angry, Quinn took

  grumbled, yet with a bright light of

  a seven-foot mule-skinner and whipped him satisfaction. “I’ll make oveh to her fifty past the boundary, and within a week old Jeff thousand dollars.”

  was served with divorce papers. In the fall So it was done, and the eyes of others term the story was told in detail before the glistened with satisfaction which old Jeff circuit judge, and item by item old Jeff’s failed in his preoccupation to notice. The property was listed—lands, saw-mills, papers were signed and the exchanges made.

  mortgages, farms, and all.

  Old Jeff stood up from the table and sneered at

  “He’s worth one hundred and fifty the attorney for the plaintiff, and at her and at thousand dollars,” the plaintiff’s attorney all her family.

  declared, “and as his lawful wife she is

  “Theh!” he grinned, “I’m shut of yo’,

  entitled to one-third of his property, especially an’ I’ve druve a bargain, too. Yo’ cayn’t git no as she had been of material assistance in ten per cent, but only six, an’ you’ll be lucky obtaining money for him—”

  to git that!”

  “It’s a lie!” old Jeff cried. “She neveh

  “Yes?” the attorney for the plaintiff

  he’ped me.”

  smiled. “ Glad you’re satisfied, Jeff. We are

  “Didn’t you say that she was entirely satisfied. In fact, we don’t understand instrumental in getting you forty thousand your viewpoint at all. You see, Jeff, you dollars for the Cool Spring tract, for which agreed to pay fifty thousand dollars and you you paid but ten thousand?” the attorney have paid it. The matter is closed, and sealed demanded.

  by the court. Now if you had insisted on

  “Hit was wuth a hundred thousand—”

  paying alimony, one hundred dollars a week,

  “She obtained thirty thousand dollars

  you would have got out of this for two more than yo
u paid for it?” the attorney hundred dollars, plus lawyer fees—less than a insisted.

  thousand dollars, anyhow, and all because you So it appeared. Witnesses proved what

  didn’t understand human nature—and a little Old Jeff tried to deny, and’ only when the law.”

  court read to him the section of the statutes

  “What—what—I’d a got out for a

  regarding the penalties which are incurred thousand?” old Jeff demanded, bewildered.

  when one commits perjury for his own benefit

  “Just so! You’d had two weeks’

  against the interests of another did old Jeff alimony to pay—and that’s all!”

  subside.

  “That’s

  all!

  That’s all? How in the

  “She is entitled to one-third of your

  world—”

  fortune,” the court told old Jeff. “ And, as

  “Miss Nurming is going to marry in

  Argosy

  10

  two weeks.”

  And, still whimpering, he stumbled out

  “Sho—-yes?

  But—”

  of the county clerk’s office where the papers